Category: Uncategorized
-
Should You Have a Child During COVID?
Like many of you, my wife and I are living under lockdown due to the global pandemic known as AD 2020 or as it will be known to my children, ‘Nam. Due to our isolation, our increased consumption of alcohol, and psychic damage collected over many months we have chosen, decided, and elected to have…
-
Is Baby Talk Good for Your Baby’s Development?
View fullsize Am I a joke to you? It’s common knowledge by now that you’re supposed to speak to your baby using adult words and phrases. “Let’s circle back on that,” you might say to a baby who is asking for milk. “How can I help you achieve your personal goals?” you could ask a…
-
7 Tried and Tested Ways to Use your Baby as an Excuse to Avoid Social Interaction
When someone says to me, “It’s been so long! I gotta see that baby!” I tell them to come over right away and put cash and delivery menus on the dining room table. When they walk in the front door and see this tableau, our relationship is clear: You work for me and don’t eat…
-
Vaccinations
VACCINATIONS! The very word inspires controversy. What two c’s and not one x? Why not call them sickness-preventers? Doesn’t it look like it ought to be a word that means a group of countries where the people eat a particularly weird kind of noodles? Is that just me? Vermicelli? Anyway. Get your kids vaccinated. Why…
-
Babysitters
I have babysat. True story: the last time I was entrusted to babysit a child he was my 5-year-old cousin, it was after school for about 90 minutes, and I fell asleep for a full hour. When the adults returned, he told everyone that we were pretending to take naps as a game. He’s a real…
-
What About Parental Leave?
We’re in the real nitty-gritty of parenting here: if you’re not getting time off work to parent, then what is the point of parenting? Speaking from my own personal experience, I can assure you, dear reader, that this is among the primary reasons to have a child. I am an adult, and being an adult…
-
On Socializing While Pregnant
I, myself, am not pregnant, but I am very close to someone who is. Not right now, she’s at work making a living and I’m in a coffee shop listening to Flying Lotus; but in a metaphysical sense, we are very close. When she’s done at work, she’s going to be tired, and no wonder!…
-
Moving to a Bigger Place. Because of a Baby.
A wise man once said, “Good things come in small packages,” and that’s true sometimes, like if you have a small package with a diamond in it or one with a car that got hit by a shrinking ray. But when it comes to babies, you cannot keep yours in a tupperware box in a…
-
When to Announce Your Baby
So you’re having a baby or whatever. Good for you. You know what, everyone alive was a baby, so please don’t think that your baby is special, because if that’s true then so is everyone else on the planet, and that’s just ridiculous. You think all those reality show people are special? No. They are…
-
How to Name a Baby
You’re probably thinking, “Listen, I’m going to name my kid whatever I want, because a name is just a word that means something.” Great insight, idiot. You need this how to guide more than anyone.
Serious Life Advice from a Serious Person 