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Should You Have a Child During COVID?
Like many of you, my wife and I are living under lockdown due to the global pandemic known as AD 2020 or as it will be known to my children, ‘Nam. Due to our isolation, our increased consumption of alcohol, and psychic damage collected over many months we have chosen, decided, and elected to have…
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Is Baby Talk Good for Your Baby’s Development?
View fullsize Am I a joke to you? It’s common knowledge by now that you’re supposed to speak to your baby using adult words and phrases. “Let’s circle back on that,” you might say to a baby who is asking for milk. “How can I help you achieve your personal goals?” you could ask a…
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7 Tried and Tested Ways to Use your Baby as an Excuse to Avoid Social Interaction
When someone says to me, “It’s been so long! I gotta see that baby!” I tell them to come over right away and put cash and delivery menus on the dining room table. When they walk in the front door and see this tableau, our relationship is clear: You work for me and don’t eat…
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Vaccinations
VACCINATIONS! The very word inspires controversy. What two c’s and not one x? Why not call them sickness-preventers? Doesn’t it look like it ought to be a word that means a group of countries where the people eat a particularly weird kind of noodles? Is that just me? Vermicelli? Anyway. Get your kids vaccinated. Why…
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When Will My Baby Roll Over?
Once you have a baby, you suddenly start asking yourself a lot of questions you’d never considered before. What does my baby know? When will she talk? When will she roll over on me and start cooperating with the Feds? Hilarious. No, of course I’m referring to rolling over from front to back or vice…
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Babysitters
I have babysat. True story: the last time I was entrusted to babysit a child he was my 5-year-old cousin, it was after school for about 90 minutes, and I fell asleep for a full hour. When the adults returned, he told everyone that we were pretending to take naps as a game. He’s a real…
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What About Parental Leave?
We’re in the real nitty-gritty of parenting here: if you’re not getting time off work to parent, then what is the point of parenting? Speaking from my own personal experience, I can assure you, dear reader, that this is among the primary reasons to have a child. I am an adult, and being an adult…
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Birthing Classes
This is America, and in America, it’s important to support small business. And there’s no business smaller than the baby business.<break for applause>
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Tips for the Grandparents
Congratulations! Your child, who you once fed and bathed and washed, now thinks they’re so big they can just make their own children! I am not a grandparent, but by my reckoning becoming a grandparent is apparently the World Cup of parenting, everybody’s doing all that other parenting just to get a shot at grandparenting.…
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On Socializing While Pregnant
I, myself, am not pregnant, but I am very close to someone who is. Not right now, she’s at work making a living and I’m in a coffee shop listening to Flying Lotus; but in a metaphysical sense, we are very close. When she’s done at work, she’s going to be tired, and no wonder!…
Serious Life Advice from a Serious Person
You need help relationships, parenting, your career, and you need help from someone with a serious mind. That's me.
Serious Life Advice from a Serious Person 