So you’ve just finished eating Thai food that you ordered because GrubHub is easier than warming up chicken when you notice that you’re surrounded by piles of unfinished projects. Literal piles, because one of your projects is to take out the trash and another is to remove the piles from your house.

So there you are, full of Thai food, surrounded by filth, out of shape with possible bedsores you can no longer stretch around to see with your own eyes. You are unhappy with your life. You think to yourself, “Why am I like this? Well, at least I’m going to work out tomorrow.” A part of you is unsure, is that really going to happen? “Yes,” you tell yourself, “tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life.”

Guess what, you’re not doing shit tomorrow. Unless you follow this fool proof system! See that? Intro and then thesis, that’s getting shit done in action.

Set Your Alarm Earlier

If you’re anything like me, you wake up later than you ought to, and it really limits the amount of stuff you can get done in the morning.

I sleep until 3 minutes before my first commitment, and sprint into the living room in my underwear and turn on my computer to write an email to whomever I’m bailing on. Something like, “OMG the house is on fire! Criminals have burned down my house!”

Sometimes, if I’m feeling ambitious, I’ll take a phone meeting from bed realize that I sound like just woke up and hit mute to try and scream away the morning voice. If it turns out I was too groggy to properly hit the mute button, I’ll just start shouting something like “OMG the house is on fire!” etc. Usually, I don’t have to have to do any follow up calls after that.

How do we fix this problem?

SImple, I have rigged up a device that, if left unattended, will burn down my house, and since my house is an apartment, it will burn down many people’s houses. I CANNOT LET THIS DEVICE GO UNATTENDED TO. Now when my alarm goes off in the morning, I leap out of bed and run, in my underwear, to the laundry room of my building to remove all of that lint from the dryer. The device is just a dryer on a timer, but it’s super effective for burning stuff down.

Make a Checklist

Now, don’t be silly here, make sure you only include realistic things. Like, leave off capturing a pet unicorn, but make sure to include your acceptance into a Buddhist Warrior Monk society. 

Write it all out in longhand on paper and pin it to the wall next to your desk. Now whenever someone walks by they’ll know that you are a person with a plan, and your plan is so serious that it’s been written down. Think of it this way, no bank robbery ever went well without a diagram. This checklist is the diagram of you stealing the life of your dreams from whoever’s got it now. To that end you might want to include some items like:

1. Identify who has your dream life now.
2. Get their address.
3. Start following them around.

Before you know it, you’ll be on your way to claiming the life of your dreams.

Get Exercising

There’s a trend lately for martial arts based workouts, and it’s a great trend. Simulating a situation where you’re in real danger can really get your blood pumping. But these classes are expensive. Why pay for a simulation when the real thing is free?

Nothing will get you motivated to get in shape like getting your ass handed to you by a guy on the street. There are lots of fun and exciting ways to get into a fist fight with a complete stranger, let’s go over a few right now:

1. Steal things. People are very attached to their possessions, take some of them and make a big show of it. Maybe try playing keep away. Taunt them. 
2. Hit someone. This probably should have gone first considering that as soon as you hit someone you are, by most definitions, already in a fight. This could easily devolve into just sneaking up on people and beating them up unawares. This will not motivate you to get into shape, it might actually convince you that you are some kind of tough guy because of all the beatings you’ve dished out. Avoid this one unless you’re sure the other person can really recover from that first sucker punch.
3. Start fires. Not just any fires, car fires, house fires. Property fires, I guess. This is in the same realm as stealing things, but there’s an added wrinkle. They always say you get what you give, and when you’re giving out psychotic,  personal aggression, you can expect to get it right back. 
4. Ride a bike on the sidewalk. I will personally fight you for doing this.

After you start spending serious time in the emergency room and/or jail cells, you’ll start to realize what a valuable luxury your free time has been, and you’ll maybe spend it more wisely? I don’t know, I hear prisoners work out a lot.

Start a Small Business

You often hear the old chestnut that the more you have to do, the more you’ll actually get done. Well, I hear it a lot, not enough to remember exactly how it goes, enough to know that it exists. I tried to Google it but there was article about the 9 Reasons You Always Have to Pee and I thought to myself, I’m glad I don’t need that article! Back to the article about crippling laziness!

Now, you may be thinking, running a small business isn’t just more work, it’s A LOT more work. And you’re right. 

Any business you open is going to have to register with federal, state, and local agencies to be get going. You’ll need to register for a tax ID, insurance, you’ll probably want to set aside some money for marketing. I can hear you already, “But I don’t have the time OR the money to start a business!” No problem, just start an illegal business!

Your average local drug dealer isn’t registered with the government on ANY level except maybe if there’s a police record, but the police do all the paperwork there, so really they’re keeping the brave men and women of America’s police forces hard at work on a valuable task. Drug dealers don’t have tax ID’s, they’re not insured, they don’t do any marketing, but they do have to make it to a lot of meetings, and they do have to keep track of a lot of money. Adding a few extra meetings to your schedule will motivate you to get more efficient and having all that money lying around will motivate you to get more organized. And if it goes wrong, you know what, many prisons have thriving illegal economies.

Get a Hobby

I know a guy who’s hobby is to pick locks. I know another guy who’s hobby is to play with knives. There are a lot of hobbies out there for you to try, I myself watch Netflix. Out of all these people, who do you think is the most successful? The answer: lock guy. 

Based on this scientific study, I recommend you start breaking into places and skulking around. If you’re curious what EXACTLY I mean by skulking, let me give you the dictionary definition.

skulk

skəlk/

verb

gerund or present participle: skulking

1. keep out of sight, typically with a sinister or cowardly motive.

Sinister or cowardly motive. Sounds like fun!

Just Cut the Shit and Start a Life of Crime

You see where all this is going, just get off your ass and throw your dreams in the fire and start robbing places and beating people up. You’re gonna, what? Become a successful entrepreneur or something? You’re gonna write a Great American Novel? You’re gonna finish school or whatever? No! Get out there and motivate yourself to accomplish some shit! Criminals are super motivated! Just watch any cop show on TV, they can’t STOP talking about criminal motives. You’re sitting around watching TV and ordering food and being too tired to hang out with your friends and ALL THE WHILE criminals are out there having all kinds of motivations and doing all kinds of cool things that you’ve never even thought of.

Did you know that ALL of the Founding Fathers of our nation were criminals? All of them. You know who else was a criminal? Jesus Christ. He was EXECUTED! They save that for only the most highly motivated criminals, the ones who are so goddamn motivated they just can’t help but do whatever thing it is they did. 

Good Luck!