So now I’m friends with the UPS guy.  Also the Potbelly guys.  And the comic book guys.  

And with that, I’ve become my father. 

My father grew up in Lowell, Massachusetts home of Milton Bradley, who is an actual guy.  In Lowell, according to my dad’s descriptions, you know everyone and everyone’s friendly. If my dad starts a story about someone from Lowell, let’s say Dave, it’ll inevitably begin with some reference to who Dave’s cousins are, and then a facial expression like, “Cool, right?”

When I was a kid we used to walk into the bagel shop and my dad would start telling me who was related to who back there.  There was never an accompanying “And the reason I’m telling you this is…”  The only motivation for this cataloguing of people’s families was just to recount it to other people.

Some people know a lot of baseball stats so they can predict game outcomes, or even bet on games.  Some people know all the ins and outs of politics so they can understand why the world is so terrible and who specifically is to blame (answer: the president, congress, the supreme court, voters, big businesses, lobbyists, bipedal mammals). My dad only wanted to know about these people so that when he saw them, he could put them into unique context.  Brian is the elderly clerk at the bagel shop. His nephews Steven and Paul come in at 3:30 AM everyday to make the bagels. The kid in the back is just some kid they hired, but he’s doing a good job so far.

Anyway, I always thought it was hilarious to tell my dad that his priorities were out of whack.  The bagel is the priority! You talk to this guy, it’s going to take you longer to get the bagel! GET THE BAGEL!  When I was 15 I thought all you had to do to be hilarious was get kind of shrill about something stupid. Because Seinfeld.

Then I thought, maybe he’s so bored that he’ll talk to anyone. Talk to the same people everyday for a couple decades and all of a sudden the old bagel man or the guy from the dry cleaners is a breath of fresh air. 

Anyway, now I work from home and I talk to literally anyone who can make significant eye contact because to do any less would be to welcome madness.