When providing career advice I’m often asked, why should i even try to get a legitimate job, what with the economy and Obama and whatnot? This question is not as crazy as it sounds, since there are really only 3 ways to make a living.

Let’s consider the merits of each option.  

Be Born Rich

Are you rich? If the answer is no, then you’ve already missed your chance.  Way to go.  Success occurs when opportunity meets preparedness.  You had the opportunity to be born rich, but you were completely unprepared.  Try not to do that next time.

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Find a Job and Work

This is what most people you meet are doing.  So when you’re walking around in a place and you see people, that’s probably what they’ve been up to. Go to the mall.  It should now be clear that this is a bad option.

Live a Life of Crime

Sounds cool, right?  It is cool.  So cool that all your favorite movie heroes are doing it all the time.  Han Solo?

 Indiana Jones?

Jack Ryan?

All thieves of one kind or another. Also, all of these guys are murderers.  I totally forgot about all the murder they commit.  Let’s not forget about that

So, is there a lot of money in murder?  The answer is I assume so. But what if you’re not comfortable with capital crimes? What if taking someone’s very life just so you don’t have to go to work is beyond your moral range of motion?

Petty crime might be the answer for you.  Petty crime is a set of illegal acts that carry minor punishments when compared with the murders so often committed by Harrison Ford.  Examples of petty crimes are: 

• Littering
• Speeding
• Smoking in government buildings
• Assault on a mailbox
• Defacing currency
• Climbing a statue to put gum in its mouth
• Soliciting a handjob from a city official
• Lighting a bag of poop on fire
• Impersonating TSA equipment
• Loitering

You’re probably asking yourself, how can any of these crimes be profitable?  That’s an interesting question and I’m glad you allowed me to ask it on your behalf. They are not profitable.  But they’re super fun, and that’s what’s missing from your life.  If you think you need a career change, it’s probably not that you really need a new career, it’s just that you’re miserable beyond your ability to cope.

Everybody’s got to start somewhere.  Once you’ve cracked open the door to your life of crime by sassing a police horse, you’re going to be that much more comfortable moving into the only career advocated by Harrison Ford: murder.