The first thing you need to know about work is that it’s important.  How important?  Work is so important that if you’re not working, you will die.  It’s that simple.  You need money to live.  Why?  Because everyone else needs money to live.  An example:

Dave is tired of working and decides to stop.  He goes into the Potbelly Sandwich Shop in his neighborhood and says, hey man, let me get one of those sandwiches.  They make it, put it in his hand, and then take it away when he says he doesn’t have money for it.  Why? Because if they give it to him for free, they’ll lose their job and get no money to buy sandwiches.  Why would someone fire them for being cool about a sandwich that’s already made and is totally only going to be good as long as it’s hot which is only like another 10 minutes tops?  Because that someone makes money when the sandwich gets sold.  If he doesn’t make that sweet sandwich money, he can’t afford to buy his OWN sandwiches, and sandwiches for his children!  He also wouldn’t be able to pay middle-men to deliver sandwich construction materials from other middle men who got them from factories who made them out of food from a company that works with farmers!  Think of all the sandwiches THOSE people can’t buy.  Anyway, then Dave dies.

There have been calls recently to have the minimum wage raised, or lowered, or for it to stay the same, but I think this misses the point altogether.  

I for one believe that it’s time for us to set aside money and work and move to a sandwich based economy.  I know, I’m not the first person to suggest this.  The first sandwich based economy was proposed in 1983 by one Grimace, a hideous purple monster whose appearance prevented him from finding gainful employment outside of endorsing-the-murder-and-consumption-of-sentient-food-like-items industry.  

Where my proposal differs from Grimace’s is obviously in the use of non-sentient food items.  Personally, I like all the beings I choose to eat to have their sentience removed before I begin my meal.  But there are other, more subtle differences.  For instance, in my sandwich based economy, career and consumer choice are preserved.  

Let us imagine for a moment that you are uninterested in a job at the local sandwich construction facility.  Let us say that you don’t have the patience required to become a sandwich artist.  And why should you, you are a unique and special individual whose independence must be preserved.  Instead, you could be a farmer, raising cattle for eventual inclusion in sandwiches.  Or you could be a sentience removal professional, making sure that corporeal and non-corporeal animal essences are thoroughly separated before ingestion begins.  There’s nothing a sandwich eater hates more than getting a bit of something’s soul in their Sausage Egg McMuffin with Cheese.  

Each individual will be paid in sandwiches, and not just a certain number of sandwiches, as many sandwiches as they can consume.  Our economy is strong, and once the transition from dollars and cents to sandwiches is complete, we’ll be expecting continued growth on a quarterly basis, just as any business owner would.  Of course, the very wealthy will have a surplus of sandwiches.  Tax and spenders will have you believe that the government should take those sandwiches and pass them along to those who do not have enough sandwiches to eat, but where were the needy when it was time to make the sandwiches?  Certainly not making sandwiches!  Ultimately, it will be up to the needy to figure out what they’re good for, and then do that or something.  I’m so busy devising new food based economies I can’t be expected to come up with everything.  

Look, I get it, you hate this idea and you’re wondering why I’m still talking about it.  Well, listen up, because it’s people like you who kept us on the gold standard so long and look what happened when we went off that!  We got the Wizard of Oz!  It’s bad ideas that make this country work!  Without removing any real world value from our currency, we wouldn’t have Munchkin Land.  Without destabilizing Latin American nations, we wouldn’t have The In-Laws (the original one has Alan Arkin!).  Without healthcare that require you to buy your own life back from disease, we wouldn’t have Breaking Bad!  

I guess what I”m saying is, I watch a lot of Netflix, and I’m glad this country’s constantly ruining people’s lives, because of TV.