Q: Why is Costco Wholesale selling caskets?

As a service to our members.

Q: That’s not really an answer to my question.

Would you like to buy a casket from Costco or not?

Q: Not at this moment.

Then fuck off, ok?  People are trying to grieve here.

Q: OK, sorry.  I’m just confused about why you guys added caskets to your impressive list of wholesale products.

That’s not a question, please move along.

Q: …Why did Costco add caskets to its impressive list of wholesale products?

As a service to our members.

Q: I see, this is going to be one of those things…

Can I interest you in a casket from Costco?

Q: I…I don’t have any dead people I need carted off at the moment, but maybe one day.  I just…I just need to understand how this fits into your business model.

That’s not a…

Q: HOW does this fit into your business model?

It’s not polite to interrupt.

Q:…

CostCo is in the business of providing products to our members. We sell many items besides food, notably: trampolines, spa umbrellas, and urns.

Q: Wait, you sell urns, too? Like for people’s ashes?

As a service to our members.

Q: I just don’t understand.  You’re not a supermarket, and you can’t be a wholesale store, because you’re not selling urns and caskets wholesale…

Our Darfur branch does!

Q: You’re terrible.

Q: Just tell me what kind of a store you are, that’s all I want to know!! What kind of store are you?!

Alright!! Alright, fine!  We’ll sell anything!! Anything, God damn you!  Come around back to see our crack-cocaine starters’ kit!  I personally sold the Ark of the Covenant to a neo-nazi group!  We still sell b batteries in bulk, and there are animal sacrifices lined up in the basement!  Do you need a llama?

Q: No.

We have no identity!  We’ll sell fucking anything! We just want you to like us.  Just come see us when you need something, and we’ll have it.  That’s all we want.  We just want to be there for you.

Q: Oh, that’s sweet of you.

I know.  We try.

Q: Would you like a tissue?

Yes, please.  Thank you.  Is there anything else I can do for you?

Q: No, I’m actually more than a little creeped out.

As a service to our creeped out members, we sell stun guns in aisle 14F.